In an effort to boost the one remaining growth industry in the UK the government is going to offer tax breaks to computer game manufacturers who create video games with a British cultural feel to them. This stipulation howver means that  Rockstar wouldn’t get a tax break because the GTA series is set in the US despite being made up in sunny Scotland. To counter this I offer Rockstar some ideas for a British version of GTA. If you read this Rockstar and want to use my ideas all I ask for is a free copy.

The British version of GTA would be called TWOC. This stands for ‘Taking Without Owners Consent’ which is official British police speak for nicking cars and pretty typical of the understated nature of British culture.  ’Grand Theft Auto’ is just too aggressive and sounds rather serious. That just won’t do for a nation not prone to complaining. ‘The central character could still be an Eastern European illegal immigrant looking for a brighter future and falling in with criminals. The in game comedy could come from humorously over the top stories from a mad right-wing newspaper called ‘The Daily Times” and amusingly left-wing silliness from a nationally funded TV station called ‘The BTC’. There will be numerous radio stations but 90% of them will be nothing but adverts the others will be by ‘The BTC’ DJed by a mix of 5o years old who speak like black teenagers and pensioners who should have retired a decade a go. We recommend getting Terry Wogan to provide the voice for one station, probably get him cheap if you tell him it is for Children in Need.

Some of the biggest changes would be to the cars and driving. Streets would be much narrower than GTA but that would be okay as most cars would be smaller too. Why zoom around the wide streets of a US style city in a sports car when you can bomb around the back streets of a UK style city in Citroen Saxon? Cars however would not handle like hippos in a mud bath but the wheel will drop off if you hit a kerb. Back end sliding would be virtually non-existent as most European cars are front wheel drive. Taxis will all be black cabs despite most people using Mini-cabs these days. Like GTA there will be a high number of 70/80s vehicles to drive as well as new ones so cars like Cortinas, Granadas, Minis, Metros, Caviliers, Escorts and Allegros will be available to drive. All non German or Japanese vehicles will break down at random.

Weapons are another element that would need significant changes to better represent British culture. Most available guns will be air rifles, converted blank firers that have a 10% chance of exploding your face, WWII era revolvers and sawn-off shotguns. Though crossbows will also be available. Bosses would be equipped with more modern weapons but like everyone else in the game they would have no idea how to fire them. Ammo will be rare to the point of making guns useless. On the flip side their would be many more knives and swords in the game. Explosives would be replaced almost completely with illegal fireworks but the odd WWII hand grenade would be also be available. The standard police will never carry firearms but armoured police officers can turn up with 30mins notice. Most police officers walking the streets will actually be Community Police Officers or Special Police Officers who will run off at the first sign of danger to go find a real Police Officer.

When captured by the Police you will not be taken to the Police station before being let go without charge after bribing the officers as in GTA. This has been deemed too realistic and might ruin the fiction of the game. Instead you character will be able to claim asylum and have a large group of do-gooders come to his aid and post bail. The government will then give your character a free house, car and money every week to help you resist committing crimes for money.

The setting will a fictional British city called Newchester which will be non-descriptively ‘northern’, though a disproportionate number of characters will have Cockney or Plum accents to help the game crack the US market. At least one character should claim to be from Birmingham but the voice actor who provides his voice should be Australian. Important characters will be hilarious stereotypes with voices provided by Jim Davidson wherever possible. In addition their will be a great number of jokes about bad teeth and dentists again to help break the US market. I also suggest working Mr. Bean and Benny Hill into the game if possible again to amuse Americans and keep that British culture flowing. Landmarks from all over the UK will be incorporated with the play area inexplicably surrounded by water.

It will rain most of the time and a blue Police Box will be spotted in random locations all around the city.

Missions will be similar to GTA but banks, museums and nightclubs will be replaced with bookies, Post Offices and local pubs. Local pubs will also act as weapons shops allowing you to purchase items like lock knives and starter pistols. High powered speedboats will be replaced by rowing boats, sailing dinghies and the occasional 80s built power boat. At least on mission should involve a Narrow-boat chase through the canals. Another mission should be a homage to the original Italian job film.

I think if we make this game and some how involve Morris Dancers then Rockstar will be assured a tax break. Maybe.