If you pick up a magazine (are you from the past?), browse a blog or read a news website and your are liable to come across a boat load of lies about geeks and nerds. Apparently we geeks are cool, hip and trendy and women really go for nerdy guys. That is true. I’ve had to change my mobile number several times and had to take out restraining orders because Jewel Staite and Tricia Helfer won’t leave me alone… No. Wait. I might have that the wrong way around. Anyway, women go for geeky guys these days right? Poppycock! 100% grade-A cock from a poppy. Women have no more interest in us bespectacled, computer loving (only when it is really cold) Trekkies than they ever did before. You see what women currently go for is metro-sexual Male models dressed up like a geek. You know 6ft tall Greek gods with bodies chiseled from granite, a full head of mussed up hair and ridiculous glasses without real lenses in them. Or perhaps just Doctor Who. Either way that describes very few actual geeks. It is just the other side of the lie that men really prefer women with curves. Actually it is not so much a lie as half truth. We just  mean curves likes Kelly Brooke not Dawn French, who has way too many curves, in all the wrong places and frequently going in the wrong direction.

What Men mean by curves (and what curves they are)

What women mean by geek (No that's a Dalek)

It doesn’t help that films keep doing the geek/nerd/dork/loser get the stunning chick angle either as the more gullible of my brethren are beginning to believe that it too. Look guys it never happens, ever. American Pie, Knocked Up, Fanboys, Superbad, Wargames, Weird Science, Hackers, Spider-man and Kevin Smith movies (especially Kevin Smith movies) are all fucking lying to you. The only way you get girls like in those films is if you have Bill Gates’ bank balance or use Rohypnol. Both of which involve breaking the law.

Just a quick definition as there is often some confusion between what is a geek and what is a nerd. To be honest they are pretty much the same thing really and can be used interchangeably. Though Geeks tend to end up as Computer Scientists and Nerds as Theoretical Physicists. Both have the same dubious social skills, optional personal hygiene and tendency to become obsessed with things of a technical/scientific nature. Also geeks bite the heads off chickens.

So where did the idea that nerds are cool come from? Firstly, Bill Gates. You see Billy Boy has a lot of clout and a lot of cash. With power and money comes influence on what is considered cool. Sadly geeks are not cool by any stretch of the imagination so the popular idea of the cool geek is filled by cool people who get dressed up like nerds.  Incidentally if you need to spot a real geek ask them which is best Star Trek or Star Wars. If the answer is only two words they aren’t a geek or a nerd. Secondly geek culture is becoming mainstream. People go to see Superhero and Science Fiction films now that would never have done so prior to 1999. People watch the likes of Lost and Battlestar Galactica and enjoy them. Our shit is now popular. It is just that only the real geeks actually take the time formulate theories about the temporal displacement in Lost and rant about the stupidity of angels in Battlestar Galactica. The mainstream has co-opted our culture but it doesn’t obsess over it like we do. Thirdly it is cool to say you dig geeks. Women like to say it for the same reason men lie about not finding skinny 18 year old girls totally hot. Because they think it makes them seem deep. Actions however speak louder than words so women, being equally as shallow as men, still go sleep with Cro-Magnon man.

What about geek girls I here you feminists cry! Actually I don’t because any feminist reading this deeply chauvinistic rant had a myocardial infarction towards the end of the 2nd paragraph. Well they look almost exactly like geek guys but with internal genitals. That is why there are so few of us. Like Dwarves (the fantasy kind not midgets) identifying the females is just so difficult. Either that or we end up raising the kids of normals after marrying a psychologically damaged woman who already has crotch fruit from her failed marriage to some mouth-breather with a below median IQ and a passion for football (that sentence ran on a bit). Like a cuckoo in reverse.

Horribly bitter I may be (I never did get over High School) but it doesn’t stop my rant from being bang on the money. If geeks really were cool and what all women wanted then Firefly would be in its 9th season, Richard Dawkins would be Prime Minister, I’d be dating Summer Glau and we would all have flying cars. None of these things are true so by my willfully faulty logic I declare Geek Chic to be a damned dirty lie. So there!

* No to be confused with the ‘Greek Sheep myth’ which is a completely different thing altogether.