This past week I have watched a fair few DVD’s. Things like Doctor Who Series 4, Spaced Series 1 & 2, The Incredible Hulk, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Eddie Izzard’s Boxset, Gremlins, Hot Fuzz and so on and so forth. I’ve decided that DVD’s as they stand at the moment should shoulder a great deal of blame for sending people off to pirate films and TV shows. I’ve had a nightmare just getting to the bloody film. It is a mix of the usual complaints that you have read on the internet and some of my own special insanity. Here is what pisses me off about DVD’s:

The FBI Warning – I’ve bought the DVD get off my case damn it. Why can’t I skip it? What if I have watched this DVD so many times the laser as cut a vinyl record style groove into it? Why do I have to sit and wait for it to go away again and again? You have my money now leave me alone! Additionally why does it pause long enough for someone with a significant learning difficulty to get the gist of it? Nobody reads it anyway!

The Language Selection Screen – Stop being so damned cheap and print different bloody DVD’s for different countries. And screw the Quebecers. I have one DVD, can’t remember which one it is, but the languages are listed alphabetically by country meaning the UK is on the last of about 8 pages that transition really slowly and force you to press the down button 6 times each screen to get to the next page button. Now for me this is for me merely an inconvenience but what about people like my Aunt. My Aunt has the mental age of 5, seriously she is mentally handicapped. What she does most of the time is watch TV and DVD’s. How the hell would you explain a language selection screen to her? She can’t read and she made the transition from VHS to DVD with some difficulty thanks to the DVD menu alone. This also applies to children too. The only way around this is to make your own copy without the crap. Oh but all the software that does this has been deemed illegal. Brilliant!

The BBC has a new time waster – New BBC TV DVD’s announce the DVD title and which DVD from the set it is both in audio and big white letters like the start of Lost. This screen pauses for about 20 seconds. It also reappears after the BBC Logos and says in a nice clear english voice ‘press enter now for audio navigation’ and prints it on the screen for good measure. Now clearly this is for people with eyesight based disabilities. You see after realising that DVD creators have been letting the side down for people who are ‘differently abled’ the BBC thought it would go the whole hog to make life easier for the 5 blind people in the world who want to watch Doctor Who on DVD. Why not make a special version of the DVD for blind people? Just leave out the video. After all book publishers don’t force everyone to buy big print editions do they? And whats with the big white text repeating the audio? Are they concerned that deaf people might be feeling left out? Also they wouldn’t have to do this if the DVD content just bloody auto-played.

Company Logos and Animations – Yes every company involved in making the film must now be announced before you get to any content. Just in case you give a damn which bunch of failures of the education system drew the pretty pictures that make up the DVD Menu. Plus Warner Bros really must tell you that this is their DVD not yours. Naturally half these will be repeated again during the title sequence or intro credits of the film or TV programme you are about to watch. On a related not have you noticed how many of these you get on modern films? Back in the day you would get the distributors logo but now you get the animated logo of half the companies involved in making the film. I swear eventually you will have to sit through the entire CGI enhanced version of the end credits before you can watch the film.

Ads and other films you may enjoy – Yes thanks adverts that will be out of date (whether for products, other DVD’s or cinema releases) within a few months but yet I have to skip through them one at a time. That is if I am allowed to of course. Some are unskippable but thankfully fast-forwardable. However some evil companies make their ads unfast-forwardable (good word isn’t it?) so you have no choice but to sit there for 10 minutes impotently hitting the DVD Menu button over and over again while eating all your pre-assembled snacks.

Intro Music – This one is usually limited to TV box sets. Apparently it is law that before you watch a TV DVD you have to sit through the intro music. Of course each episode still has at the beginning to. Just for good measure they are often unskippable as they are technically part of the DVD menu. Fantastic!

The DVD Menu – By this point I am usually frothing at the mouth. So what do they do? Have an animated menu that takes between 30 seconds and 2 minutes to complete. And guess what? You can’t skip it or fast-forward it either. You have to sit there and watch the masterpiece of some recent graduate from an art college over and over again. Not just when it loads. Oh no that would be far too easy. No every screen transition has a long animation. Even playing the film gives you a nice long animation to sit though. And guess what else? Every single one of the animations will be chock full of spoilers for the film or TV show you are about to watch. Awesome no I don’t need to bother watching the DVD after all.

The pirated film (Arrrrr) you can get off a torrent website? You double click it and VLC opens it up and away you go or burn it to DVD and watch it autoplay. None of that bullshit region encoding either. Why make life so annoying for your legitimate customers and make piracy are more enjoyable way to get your films. I mean you already waste 20 plus minutes of our time with adverts and assorted crap when we go to the cinema why screw us around with the DVD too? When you put the DVD in the DVD player it should just play its bloody contents. The DVD menu button available of all players and remotes can take you to the menu if you need it. I wouldn’t mind but so few DVD’s actually have special content worth watching so making the menu more or less pointless. Also how about every film you release comes with one version that doesn’t have the assorted crap that is the special content and costs a few quid less. on VHS it was easy you put in the DVD and fast fast forwarded the first 2-3 minutes (10-15 if it was a rental) and you missed all the crap they want you to watch.

So who wants to hear my Donna Summer impression? Anybody?