Sep
Cannock Chase is small bit of forest in Staffordshire just north of Wolverhampton and Walsall. Once part of the ancient forest that stretched from somewhere down south all the way to somewhere up north it is now little more than a rather large wood whose car parks and picnic areas are the dogging capitals of the world. By day it used by the few grunts of the West Midlands conurbation that like to piss around in the woods as a hobby, I’d imagine. However news articles revealed to me today that Cannock Chase is probably amongst the most active areas of the country for all sorts of paranormal and pseudo-scientific tosh. Lets delve deep into the mysterious world of Cannock Chase. [insert eerie music]
Where is Cannock Chase? Would you be surprised with the answer Cannock? Here is a map:
Werewolves
Out of the 21 UK eye witness accounts of Werewolf sightings 20 of them were on Cannock Chase. Making Cannock Chase the most important lycanthropy site in the UK by a long way. Either that or illustrating that it is home to larger than normal population of myopics, idiots, those with mental illness or learning difficulties. Given Cannock Chase’s proximity to Walsall I ‘m going to have go with the Werewolves. I have devised a plan to go Werewolf hunting on the moors Chase. My plan is full-proof and will prove conclusively that Werewolves spend their full moons on the Chase. You know like in Being Human. Anyone who wishes to join my expedition should gather the required equipment (4 pack of strongbow, a stout stick, something silver and pointy, warm coat, one portion of beef chow mein and a torch) and meet me at the Cannock Chase visitor centre on 23rd October 2009 at dusk. Not really! Even I have better things to do than ponce around Cannock Chase like a has been footballer. Incidentally Stan Collymore isn’t into the Furry scene is he? If he his then that would probably explain a lot.
Cavemen
We all know that Werewolves aren’t real. After all being a wolf is that a very good disguise in modern times as we developed a habit of killing them. Werebadgers are far more likley. However Werebadgers cannot account for the sheer number of humanoid creatures seen on Cannock Chase. Clearly these must be sightings of the inhabitants of Wolverhampton on a day trip. Failing that cavemen who have adapted to a life underground and come out at night to hunt the local deer and Yorkshire terriers. You know like in that film The Descent but with more Black County accents and less attractive women. These Cavemen apparently live in tunnels deep under the chase and seem to have dull vacant expressions hence they probably go unnoticed most of the time. The suggestion that they are in fact the descendants of a group of miners from Bilston who got trapped underground in the 60s is incorrect, downright offensive and probably biologically impossible.
ABC’s
No not like on Sesame Street. ABC stands for Alien Big Cat. Now you have images of Battlecat bounding through the ferns in Cannock Chase don’t you? Well I do, anyway. Alien Big Cats are not extraterrestrial felines but just big cats that are not native to our shores. When the rules about keeping large, dangerous man-eating predators as pets were changed in the 1970s (i.e. they made some) many owners release there panthers, pumas, dunlops, gringers and jaguars into the wild rather than pay for the expensive licences to keep them. Apparently handing them over to the local zoo or taking them to the vets was too much like hard work. These big cats promptly set up shop anywhere that had ample supplies of rabbits and deer, like Cannock Chase. These cats were not deterred by being right next the nosiest, busiest and grimiest built up area outside of London or having the M6 though the middle of their habitat. They spend their time lingering in the shadows menacing old women, small dogs and mountain bikers. Sadly small dogs occasionally go missing on the chase. However the big cats have yet to cart of a mountain biker, mores the pity.
Aliens and UFOs
Cannock Chase has quite high number of UFO sightings. Some suggesting that the Chase is a nexus point of UFO activity over central England. Strange lights in the sky are all to common in this rural area on the flight path to Birmingham Airport. No doubt EBEs (Extraterrestrial Biological Entities) come far and wide looking for the famous Cannock Chase Werewolf. Keep your eyes peeled on clear moonlit night and you might see small scrawny fellows wondering around the Chase with a half consumed packs of strongbow, chinese takeaways and silver letter openers wearing strange futuristic clothes and talking in a strange alien language. Alien or a drunk junk chavs in shell-suits who have gotten lost on the way home from a piss up in Wednesfield? You decide.
Ghosts and Ghoulies
Many a ghost wanders around Cannock Chase of a night. Clearly the dead like the rural outdoors too. Though I presume they prefer it when it is quieter and they are less likely to be run over by a twat on a mountain bike. One of the most common apparitions is a ghostly black dog which should never be mistaken for a Werewolf, Alien Big Cat or indeed an actual dog. I recommend you don’t wander around on the dark moonless nights calling out “Benji! Here boy!” least you accidentally fall into one of the mine shafts that have a habit of opening up at random all over the Chase. If you must do this take a torch and a rubber bone with you. I also recommend not reading The Hound of the Baskervilles while camping out there. You’ll scare yourself stupid when a local walks his pet Labrador nearby. Some people report seeing ghostly grey woman wandering certain areas too. No doubt Cannock Chase also has a ghostly monk, a ghostly hitchhiker, Prospect Place Willy, Dick Turpin and Henry VIII too.
There you have it folks. Conclusive proof that nothing beyond sexual deviancy and the other normal rural activities take place on Cannock Chase. Sleep soundly, if you dare! Muhahahahahahahaa!!!!! Ahem.
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