First off I have got to knock seeing films in 3D on the head. The damned things give me such a freaking headache. My brain just doesn’t do optical illusions. I guess that explains why I never got the hang of Magic Eye pictures. But I digress, as per usual. I haven’t even got a paragraph into my review and I am already rambling off on a tangent. Did you miss me while I was gone?

This film has no shame and that is where it strength lies. It gives us exactly what we expect and isn’t ashamed of it. What do we want from this kind of film? Lots of people dying horribly gruesome and bloody deaths for our amusement, interspersed with plenty of tits and fanny. I use fanny in the the British sense by the way. Its not the usual hidden-behind-a-merkin-to-save the-actresses-blushes fanny either, shaved don’t ya know. Porn stars just don’t give a damn, obviously. An extended all girl nude synchronised swimming scene that borders on the surreal being the culmination of this films utter disregard for the rule about pointless nudity. It really does harken back to the 70s in that regard. You get to see Kelly Brook in the nude (its the only way she can get parts in films after all). Which is nice because I consider Miss Brook to be the personification of female physical perfection. Even if Playboy feel her breasts need reducing. I have no idea what they were thinking but comparing the Playboy picks to the Arena ones and they have done a real virtual hatchet job on her boobs. The Piranha were far kinder. See how I got that tangent back on topic?

This is a seriously bloody film. I mean really gruesome but its comic book gruesome. People not only get graphically eaten by the titular (hur hur) beasties but in the big scene that makes up most of the trailer people die in many many horrible ways. Serves themselves right for being attractive and having fun. Some of deaths I am pretty sure aren’t very plausible. My favourite being the poor gal getting sliced in two by a snapping steel cable. Anyway the vast majority of the films budget has gone on make up and other physical effects shots. All the chewed bodies and limbs look disturbingly realistic and the most have spent a small fortune on red dye. Naturally the the CGI budget makes up the next big chunk of the money. The script was clearly way down the priority list but they have done a decent job of it. It is genuinely funny and has its tongue firmly in cheek.

Despite having a cast of big names fallen on hard times the acting isn’t anything to write home about. Most real actors in the film phone in the few scenes they get, no doubt they are just glad for the pay cheque. Accept, of course, Jerry O’Connell who really hams it up. His best performance since Scream 2 I don’t doubt, at least he doesn’t sing. The climax of his performance is him lying half eaten on the deck of a boat howling the fantastic line “They took my penis”.  The plot is stolen from Jaws and watered down just like the 1978 original. The film has so much parody that it almost feels like a spoof at times. Any film that starts with Richard Dreyfuss sitting on a boat singing ‘Show me the way to go home’ has some moxy. It also has Christopher Lloyd doing his mad scientist bit. The film ends with the best bit of genre blindness from a character I have seen in years.

The film is a 3D conversation as it was filmed in 2D. The conversion is frankly shit which is probably what gave me the headaches. Landscapes frequently have distant objects not properly distanced and some times heads feel weird in close up shots. According to wikipedia the 3D conversion process has been well received. This may be the case all the other 3D films I have seen have been produced with 3D in mind and not converted. I still think they did a poor job. Still 3D boobies and it does get props for having the best use of 3D when a character vomits on to the camera.

I really enjoyed the film. Sad that I have sunk that low. Its not going to win awards or set the world on fire and like the original it re-imagines it is destined to late night TV slots in the future. It is entertaining, funny and has boobs in it. It made the sparsely populated theatre I was in react frequently. People where laughing, jumping and being grossed out at all the right times. Though the most frequent sound was women tutting and snorting every time a attractive young woman got her clothes off. This film is dying for a drinking game for the DVD release. Piranha is the kind of film that ‘Snakes on a Plane’ would of been if the the people making that film had any balls.

I have been reading other reviews of Piranha 3D and they make me chuckle. As ever “The Critics” (professional and wannabe amateurs) just don’t get films like this. To complain about the lack of character development in a film that has Ving Rhames using a boat motor to chop up a shoal of prehistoric piranha seems somewhat ridiculous. But then some of these same reviewers also think Inception is a complex and deep thriller rather than just a rather straightforward film with some cool action sequences and a purposely ambiguous ending.  You know what? I have a separate rant on that subject brewing in the depths of my mind.

I’ll give it 4/5. It would have got 3/5 but Kelly Brook in the nude is worth a point. A guilty pleasure movie if ever there was one. Just enjoy rather than analyse it.

Where is Cannock Chase? Would you be surprised with the answer Cannock? Here is a map:

View Larger Map

Werewolves

Out of the 21 UK eye witness accounts of Werewolf sightings 20 of them were on Cannock Chase. Making Cannock Chase the most important lycanthropy site in the UK by a long way. Either that or illustrating that it is home to larger than normal population of myopics, idiots, those with mental illness or learning difficulties. Given Cannock Chase’s proximity to Walsall I ‘m going to have go with the Werewolves. I have devised a plan to go Werewolf hunting on the moors Chase. My plan is full-proof and will prove conclusively that Werewolves spend their full moons on the Chase. You know like in Being Human. Anyone who wishes to join my expedition should gather the required equipment (4 pack of strongbow, a stout stick, something silver and pointy, warm coat, one portion of beef chow mein and a torch) and meet me at the Cannock Chase visitor centre on 23rd October 2009 at dusk. Not really! Even I have better things to do than ponce around Cannock Chase like a has been footballer. Incidentally Stan Collymore isn’t into the Furry scene is he? If he his then that would probably explain a lot.

Cavemen

We all know that Werewolves aren’t real. After all being a wolf is that a very good disguise in modern times as we developed a habit of killing them. Werebadgers are far more likley. However Werebadgers cannot account for the sheer number of humanoid creatures seen on Cannock Chase. Clearly these must be sightings of the inhabitants of Wolverhampton on a day trip. Failing that cavemen who have adapted to a life underground and come out at night to hunt the local deer and Yorkshire terriers. You know like in that film The Descent but with more Black County accents and less attractive women. These Cavemen apparently live in tunnels deep under the chase and seem to have dull vacant expressions hence they probably go unnoticed most of the time. The suggestion that they are in fact the descendants of a group of miners from Bilston who got trapped underground in the 60s is incorrect, downright offensive and probably biologically impossible.

ABC’s

No not like on Sesame Street. ABC stands for Alien Big Cat. Now you have images of Battlecat bounding through the ferns in Cannock Chase don’t you? Well I do, anyway. Alien Big Cats are not extraterrestrial felines but just big cats that are not native to our shores. When the rules about keeping large, dangerous man-eating predators as pets were changed in the 1970s (i.e.  they made some)  many owners release there panthers, pumas, dunlops, gringers and jaguars into the wild rather than pay for the expensive licences to keep them. Apparently handing them over to the local zoo or taking them to the vets was too much like hard work. These big cats promptly set up shop anywhere that had ample supplies of rabbits and deer, like Cannock Chase. These cats were not deterred by being right next the nosiest, busiest and grimiest built up area outside of London or having the M6 though the middle of their habitat. They spend their time lingering in the shadows menacing old women, small dogs and mountain bikers. Sadly small dogs occasionally go missing on the chase. However the big cats have yet to cart of a mountain biker, mores the pity.

Aliens and UFOs

Cannock Chase has quite high number of UFO sightings. Some suggesting that the Chase is a nexus point of UFO activity over central England. Strange lights in the sky are all to common in this rural area on the flight path to Birmingham Airport. No doubt EBEs (Extraterrestrial Biological Entities) come far and wide looking for the famous Cannock Chase Werewolf. Keep your eyes peeled on clear moonlit night and you might see small scrawny fellows wondering around the Chase with a half consumed packs of strongbow, chinese takeaways and silver letter openers wearing strange futuristic clothes and talking in a strange alien language. Alien or a drunk junk chavs in shell-suits who have gotten lost on the way home from a piss up in Wednesfield? You decide.

Ghosts and Ghoulies

Many a ghost wanders around Cannock Chase of a night. Clearly the dead like the rural outdoors too. Though I presume they prefer it when it is quieter and they are less likely to be run over by a twat on a mountain bike. One of the most common apparitions is a ghostly black dog which should never be mistaken for a Werewolf, Alien Big Cat or indeed an actual dog. I recommend you don’t wander around on the dark moonless nights calling out “Benji! Here boy!” least you accidentally fall into one of the mine shafts that have a habit of opening up at random all over the Chase. If you must do this take a torch and a rubber bone with you. I also recommend not reading The Hound of the Baskervilles while camping out there. You’ll scare yourself stupid when a local walks his pet Labrador nearby. Some people report seeing ghostly grey woman wandering certain areas too. No doubt Cannock Chase also has a ghostly monk, a ghostly hitchhiker, Prospect Place Willy, Dick Turpin and Henry VIII too.

There you have it folks. Conclusive proof that nothing beyond sexual deviancy and the other normal rural activities take place on Cannock Chase. Sleep soundly, if you dare! Muhahahahahahahaa!!!!! Ahem.

Twilight's Emo Cast

I’ve avoided watching this film because what I have heard about it and have indeed perpetuated some of the jokes about it. I thought it only fair that I watch it before I continue to pass judgment on it.

Oh my god Twilight is a terrible fucking film. I can’t even watch it all. I’ve managed 1 hour of it and I can stand no more. There is no plot, the characters are 2 dimensional and corny and the dialogue is so bad George Lucas would have been embarrassed to write it. Though I can understand why it gets teenage girls wet in the knickers. Teenage girls are possibly the only people who could watch Twilight without wanting to beat someones head in. Edward is oh so dark, dangerous and mysterious that he is every teenage girls juvenile fantasy come to life. Yet he manages to do it without an iota of character, depth or likability. He should have stayed dead in Harry Potter if you ask me. Imagine they took the least interesting vampire that Buffy staked and gave him his own film.

The film is such a dreary affair. Very little happens and it is all filmed like it took place over a wet weekend in the Lake District. It mirrors the overall dullness of the film. I guess it is supposed to be atmospheric. It is mopey, immature and frankly uninteresting. Edward and whatever her name is ( I really don’t care at this point) are professing their eternal love after knowing each other  few weeks. Also Edward is 100s of years old yet he spends his eternal life being a teenager in high school over and over again. Sad. I have the rest of the film playing in the background while I type this (I can’t watch anymore seriously) and what I am hearing makes me cringe. If I had a soul it would be dying a little for every minute of this film that I experience. I’d rather watch a Quentin Tarantino film and that is saying something.

And the sparkling? Give me a break! Vampire’s avoid the sun because it makes them shiny and people would notice they are different? They don’t die, explode or even sizzle. Vampires here can survive on animal blood and can resist eating vapid teenagers if they love them. Thus in Twilight vampirism comes with zero problems other than being insanely emo. All they have to do is live somewhere that is overcast a lot and Bob’s your mother’s brother. Also it takes a single inquisitive teenager with a book to uncover the secret that the Vampires have concealed from the town for centuries. Wow that town is populated by real idiots.

This film is little more than a teenage girls masturbatory fantasy and not worth watching, unless you’re a masturbating teenage girl obviously. Seriously skip it. Their are plenty of good vampire films around watch one of those instead. What’s worse is that this film is being lumped in with genuine geeky pursuits so things like Comic Con are being over run with hormonal teenagers getting in the way of us geeks who are interested in things that matter like Iron Man 2. Wait! What am I moaning about? Surely that is a good thing.

Luckily I’ve been drinking so I’m sure I’ll recover. After a nap and a couple more pints I’ll be right as rain.

Lee as Count Dooku

Christopher Lee has been Knighted by the Queen during her Birthday Honours list. Lee who is one the world’s most proflic actors even at the grand old age of 87. He was unable to comment on his honour because he was busy filming. Lee has played some of the most famous bad guys in cinema history starting with what must be considered the best Dracula. More recently of course he was Count Dooku in the Star Wars prequels and Saruman the White in the Lord of the Rings films. He even managed to get himself cast as a Bond villian.

Without doubt the ultimate bad guy of cinema.