My New Year’s resolution is to get back into the habit of posting here. I promise some good stuff here in 2010. By certain definitions of ‘promise’, ‘good’ and ’2010′.

It wasn’t a bad event but nowhere near as good as this year’s London Sci Fi and Comic Convention. Didn’t do any of the talks this time as I was late and missed the only one I wanted too go to. Never mind. For the last few hours I have been wander around with a life size cut out of Hannah Montana. Now I know what you are thinking but it is for my niece, honest. That girl creeps me out, Not my niece, Miley Cyrus. I’ve had to turn it around on the train as she was looking at me. . I did get a Green Lantern ring so it wasn’t a total loss.

Autograph wise I got Shannon Doherty and Chase Masterson. Chase was lovely and friendly and asked about my Punisher T-Shirt while Shannon said ‘thank you’. She had 2 of her own people plus 2 Collectormania assistants. Someone should tell he she isn’t a big star any more. Damn her for being in Mallrats. also got a signed photo of the guy who was in Charmed, you know the angel one. Whatever his name is. It’s for my sister so I don’t care. Queues didn’t seem so big this year but I did manage to jump the virtual queue system yet again. Despicable I know.

Not sure if it was worth the financial outlay but I’m on my way home now. There’s a tub of Ben & Jerry’s with my name on it. What? I’ve jeopardised my manhood a couple of times already in this post I don’t think adding girly ice cream to the list makes that much difference now.

Where is Cannock Chase? Would you be surprised with the answer Cannock? Here is a map:

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Werewolves

Out of the 21 UK eye witness accounts of Werewolf sightings 20 of them were on Cannock Chase. Making Cannock Chase the most important lycanthropy site in the UK by a long way. Either that or illustrating that it is home to larger than normal population of myopics, idiots, those with mental illness or learning difficulties. Given Cannock Chase’s proximity to Walsall I ‘m going to have go with the Werewolves. I have devised a plan to go Werewolf hunting on the moors Chase. My plan is full-proof and will prove conclusively that Werewolves spend their full moons on the Chase. You know like in Being Human. Anyone who wishes to join my expedition should gather the required equipment (4 pack of strongbow, a stout stick, something silver and pointy, warm coat, one portion of beef chow mein and a torch) and meet me at the Cannock Chase visitor centre on 23rd October 2009 at dusk. Not really! Even I have better things to do than ponce around Cannock Chase like a has been footballer. Incidentally Stan Collymore isn’t into the Furry scene is he? If he his then that would probably explain a lot.

Cavemen

We all know that Werewolves aren’t real. After all being a wolf is that a very good disguise in modern times as we developed a habit of killing them. Werebadgers are far more likley. However Werebadgers cannot account for the sheer number of humanoid creatures seen on Cannock Chase. Clearly these must be sightings of the inhabitants of Wolverhampton on a day trip. Failing that cavemen who have adapted to a life underground and come out at night to hunt the local deer and Yorkshire terriers. You know like in that film The Descent but with more Black County accents and less attractive women. These Cavemen apparently live in tunnels deep under the chase and seem to have dull vacant expressions hence they probably go unnoticed most of the time. The suggestion that they are in fact the descendants of a group of miners from Bilston who got trapped underground in the 60s is incorrect, downright offensive and probably biologically impossible.

ABC’s

No not like on Sesame Street. ABC stands for Alien Big Cat. Now you have images of Battlecat bounding through the ferns in Cannock Chase don’t you? Well I do, anyway. Alien Big Cats are not extraterrestrial felines but just big cats that are not native to our shores. When the rules about keeping large, dangerous man-eating predators as pets were changed in the 1970s (i.e.  they made some)  many owners release there panthers, pumas, dunlops, gringers and jaguars into the wild rather than pay for the expensive licences to keep them. Apparently handing them over to the local zoo or taking them to the vets was too much like hard work. These big cats promptly set up shop anywhere that had ample supplies of rabbits and deer, like Cannock Chase. These cats were not deterred by being right next the nosiest, busiest and grimiest built up area outside of London or having the M6 though the middle of their habitat. They spend their time lingering in the shadows menacing old women, small dogs and mountain bikers. Sadly small dogs occasionally go missing on the chase. However the big cats have yet to cart of a mountain biker, mores the pity.

Aliens and UFOs

Cannock Chase has quite high number of UFO sightings. Some suggesting that the Chase is a nexus point of UFO activity over central England. Strange lights in the sky are all to common in this rural area on the flight path to Birmingham Airport. No doubt EBEs (Extraterrestrial Biological Entities) come far and wide looking for the famous Cannock Chase Werewolf. Keep your eyes peeled on clear moonlit night and you might see small scrawny fellows wondering around the Chase with a half consumed packs of strongbow, chinese takeaways and silver letter openers wearing strange futuristic clothes and talking in a strange alien language. Alien or a drunk junk chavs in shell-suits who have gotten lost on the way home from a piss up in Wednesfield? You decide.

Ghosts and Ghoulies

Many a ghost wanders around Cannock Chase of a night. Clearly the dead like the rural outdoors too. Though I presume they prefer it when it is quieter and they are less likely to be run over by a twat on a mountain bike. One of the most common apparitions is a ghostly black dog which should never be mistaken for a Werewolf, Alien Big Cat or indeed an actual dog. I recommend you don’t wander around on the dark moonless nights calling out “Benji! Here boy!” least you accidentally fall into one of the mine shafts that have a habit of opening up at random all over the Chase. If you must do this take a torch and a rubber bone with you. I also recommend not reading The Hound of the Baskervilles while camping out there. You’ll scare yourself stupid when a local walks his pet Labrador nearby. Some people report seeing ghostly grey woman wandering certain areas too. No doubt Cannock Chase also has a ghostly monk, a ghostly hitchhiker, Prospect Place Willy, Dick Turpin and Henry VIII too.

There you have it folks. Conclusive proof that nothing beyond sexual deviancy and the other normal rural activities take place on Cannock Chase. Sleep soundly, if you dare! Muhahahahahahahaa!!!!! Ahem.

However the blog stuck around long enough for the following things to happen:

• For Lily to photograph news stories from newspapers and/or magazines (Copyright Infringement 1)
• For Lily to post an entire article from the techdirt blog without asking permission or giving credit to its author (Copyright Infringement 2)
• For the Internet’s amateur private detectives to discover that Lily Allen’s EMI run site had several ‘mix-tape’ downloads that included complete copies of other (non-EMI) artists work. (Copyright Infringement 3, not to mention making available to download on a massive scale)
• That the usually well written rebuttals and challenges to her posts become interspersed with the usual insults that are part of any well known internet discussion.

Now this becomes interesting when you discover that Lily Allen is all in favour of the 3 strikes and you are out method of policing file-sharing. This means that if you get 3 accusation of copyright infringement against your name you get you internet connection cut off. Notice it is not being found guilty by the courts, just 3 accusations from copyright owners. Now for someone so opposed to copyright infringement Lily Allen certainly likes to do it a fair bit. To the point it was suggested she should have her internet connection turned off. Naturally she didn’t take kindly to that suggestion.

For the record much of her blog and some comments can be found here. Turns out removing something from the internet is more than a little tricky.

Not happy with being labelled a gross hypocrite Lily started banding around the excuses that many a real pirate (as opposed to people who just dislike the 3 strike idea) offer up. She didn’t realise what she was doing was wrong. Everybody does it. She was being unfairly targeted. She didn’t mean to. It was all in the past before she learnt better. This of course only spurred on her critics he wondered why such defences shouldn’t apply to everyone if they were OK for Lily Allen. It was at this point Lily started to throw her toys our of her pram. She leaked to the press she was quitting music (and then wasn’t), stated she wouldn’t attend an industry meeting on the subject because she didn’t want the press to focus on her and not the issues (she went anyway) and finally she shut down the blog. She and her cohorts also modified their position saying that internet pirates should be bandwidth limited rather than cut off.

Naturally the UK tabloid press were on Lily’s ‘side’ and almost universally went with the “Evil internet pirate’s hound poor innocent Lily Allen out of music” angle. They glossed over the deeper discussions on whether it was right to allow copyright owners to be able to get people’s internet cut off purely by accusation, how the extra costs to ask ISPs to police their networks will cost more than the supposed loses to piracy (who will pay for that I wonder) and why everyone was listening to Lily “The Hypocriote” Allen in the first place. Naturally it would sell more papers to got with the evil nerds pick on the poor defenceless little girl. Of course the fact that Lily has made a name for herself making, often foul-mouthed, rants and attacking other artists on her blog and twitter is besides the point, apparently. Try not to notice which newspaper owning companies also own music distributors. The Internet’s publications were little better. The Register’s own Andrew Orwolski (I am not linking to that hacks story, he can find his own ad impressions) pretty much dismissed Mike at TechDirt’s commentary on the on the grounds that Mike knows what he is talking about. Entertainment sites pretty much went with the UK Tabloid argument as I guess they know what side their bread is buttered.

As a matter of fact a considerable number of professionals and journalists (notice I don’t consider journalists as professional, especially technology journalists) have really rounded on Michael Masnick over on TechDirt because of his coverage of silly Lily’s (I like that nickname) campaign. Which is totally unfair. Mike has been golden over this. He hasn’t threatened her or belittled her anyway. He has tried to explain to her what he (and many others) sees as flaws in her position as well illustrate to her the hypocrisy that position considering her own actions. Everything he has written has been measured, polite and even if you don’t agree with him fair and well written. Mike has posted what amount to summary and explain again that he meant no ill will. He has more patience than I. I’d have told the press to go fuck themselves in the ear. Plus it includes a fantastic parody song by Dan Bull that I’ll embed here:

If you like this free song you can download it here or you buy Dan’s music here.

When closing down the site Lily claimed it has served its purpose having bought together those who wanted the government to take a hard stand on internet copyright infringement. A position the government itself was opposed too until one of its own number had an expensive meal with a powerful individual in the the entertainment industry. Unfortunately her mistake of stealing (to use her term) content from TechDirt had the side-effect of bring together a lot of people who don’t share her opinions. The revelations of her own copyright infringement that came up later and her petulant attitude to being caught out gave her opponents much desired real world ammunition against an aggressive anti-piracy stance. If it is so easy to do accidentally or without malicious intent why penalise it so ferociously?

I have nothing against Lily Allen, I actually quite like her. She seems quite bright, for a pop star. Oddly something about her brings out my long dormant protective side and I’d certainly shag her given the opportunity. Though being in my early 30s I’m probably not old enough for her. Yes I’m crude and judgemental what of it? Have you not read my blog before? At least I haven’t posted topless pictures of her this time. While I don’t consider her a particularly talented singer or song-writer I have liked a couple of her tunes. I even paid for them too. Thanks to Amazon probably not as much as I should have though. Unfortunately for Lily this issue was far more complex than she envisaged and she simply wasn’t equipped to deal with the informed and educated opponents she butted heads with.  Her reaction was of course typical of someone in their twenties (I can say that now I’m older) and she got all petulant and defensive. Hopefully this will be a learning experience for her. I doubt she minded the insults as she has always seemed to be the kind of person who could take it as well as dish it out.

I’m flirting with the idea that she was encouraged to do this by someone within the industry. Not that she was put up to it so much as there may well have been someone who knowing her opinions and web-savvy nature encouraged her to do something. Then again she might just have acted on impulse and gone with something she later thought better of. Like I said I hope she learned something constructive from all this and doesn’t think we are just a bunch of meanies.

And seeing as you probably all have this on the brain now I’ll post it anyway.

Sorry I can’t help myself. I’m scum. If I could limit myself to words with 2 syllables or less I could probably get a job at The Sun. In my defence last time I posted it, on my old site, it was in a discussion about Doctor Who’s new assistant. It is slightly more justifiable here. Well maybe not but if it didn’t get you fired it probably brightened your day a little. Just out of interest who owns the wayward nipple at the bottom left?

Oh by the way this post is probably NSFW.

The FBI Warning – I’ve bought the DVD get off my case damn it. Why can’t I skip it? What if I have watched this DVD so many times the laser as cut a vinyl record style groove into it? Why do I have to sit and wait for it to go away again and again? You have my money now leave me alone! Additionally why does it pause long enough for someone with a significant learning difficulty to get the gist of it? Nobody reads it anyway!

The Language Selection Screen – Stop being so damned cheap and print different bloody DVD’s for different countries. And screw the Quebecers. I have one DVD, can’t remember which one it is, but the languages are listed alphabetically by country meaning the UK is on the last of about 8 pages that transition really slowly and force you to press the down button 6 times each screen to get to the next page button. Now for me this is for me merely an inconvenience but what about people like my Aunt. My Aunt has the mental age of 5, seriously she is mentally handicapped. What she does most of the time is watch TV and DVD’s. How the hell would you explain a language selection screen to her? She can’t read and she made the transition from VHS to DVD with some difficulty thanks to the DVD menu alone. This also applies to children too. The only way around this is to make your own copy without the crap. Oh but all the software that does this has been deemed illegal. Brilliant!

The BBC has a new time waster – New BBC TV DVD’s announce the DVD title and which DVD from the set it is both in audio and big white letters like the start of Lost. This screen pauses for about 20 seconds. It also reappears after the BBC Logos and says in a nice clear english voice ‘press enter now for audio navigation’ and prints it on the screen for good measure. Now clearly this is for people with eyesight based disabilities. You see after realising that DVD creators have been letting the side down for people who are ‘differently abled’ the BBC thought it would go the whole hog to make life easier for the 5 blind people in the world who want to watch Doctor Who on DVD. Why not make a special version of the DVD for blind people? Just leave out the video. After all book publishers don’t force everyone to buy big print editions do they? And whats with the big white text repeating the audio? Are they concerned that deaf people might be feeling left out? Also they wouldn’t have to do this if the DVD content just bloody auto-played.

Company Logos and Animations – Yes every company involved in making the film must now be announced before you get to any content. Just in case you give a damn which bunch of failures of the education system drew the pretty pictures that make up the DVD Menu. Plus Warner Bros really must tell you that this is their DVD not yours. Naturally half these will be repeated again during the title sequence or intro credits of the film or TV programme you are about to watch. On a related not have you noticed how many of these you get on modern films? Back in the day you would get the distributors logo but now you get the animated logo of half the companies involved in making the film. I swear eventually you will have to sit through the entire CGI enhanced version of the end credits before you can watch the film.

Ads and other films you may enjoy – Yes thanks adverts that will be out of date (whether for products, other DVD’s or cinema releases) within a few months but yet I have to skip through them one at a time. That is if I am allowed to of course. Some are unskippable but thankfully fast-forwardable. However some evil companies make their ads unfast-forwardable (good word isn’t it?) so you have no choice but to sit there for 10 minutes impotently hitting the DVD Menu button over and over again while eating all your pre-assembled snacks.

Intro Music – This one is usually limited to TV box sets. Apparently it is law that before you watch a TV DVD you have to sit through the intro music. Of course each episode still has at the beginning to. Just for good measure they are often unskippable as they are technically part of the DVD menu. Fantastic!

The DVD Menu – By this point I am usually frothing at the mouth. So what do they do? Have an animated menu that takes between 30 seconds and 2 minutes to complete. And guess what? You can’t skip it or fast-forward it either. You have to sit there and watch the masterpiece of some recent graduate from an art college over and over again. Not just when it loads. Oh no that would be far too easy. No every screen transition has a long animation. Even playing the film gives you a nice long animation to sit though. And guess what else? Every single one of the animations will be chock full of spoilers for the film or TV show you are about to watch. Awesome no I don’t need to bother watching the DVD after all.

The pirated film (Arrrrr) you can get off a torrent website? You double click it and VLC opens it up and away you go or burn it to DVD and watch it autoplay. None of that bullshit region encoding either. Why make life so annoying for your legitimate customers and make piracy are more enjoyable way to get your films. I mean you already waste 20 plus minutes of our time with adverts and assorted crap when we go to the cinema why screw us around with the DVD too? When you put the DVD in the DVD player it should just play its bloody contents. The DVD menu button available of all players and remotes can take you to the menu if you need it. I wouldn’t mind but so few DVD’s actually have special content worth watching so making the menu more or less pointless. Also how about every film you release comes with one version that doesn’t have the assorted crap that is the special content and costs a few quid less. on VHS it was easy you put in the DVD and fast fast forwarded the first 2-3 minutes (10-15 if it was a rental) and you missed all the crap they want you to watch.

So who wants to hear my Donna Summer impression? Anybody?

Cosplay is mad. It is dominated by Anime which means lots of teenage girls in deeply inappropriate costumes. Though there were several non-Anime costumes like a Posion Ivy and a Jungle woman costume that really left little to the imagination. Luckily I am tremendous perve and wasn’t at all offended. Though my constant exposure to mundanes means I still think Cosplay (in public) is all a little sad. And Furries creep the shit out of me.

I attended a few talks while I was there too. The Red Dwarf talk was an anti-climax partly because the microphones were not loud enough and also because only Danny Jon Jules was reallu up for it. The how Comics have changed Movies was very interesting but again Showmasters organisation let it down forcing Hamdy to disseappear into the audiance whenever people had questions. Clearly he wasn’t a big enough star to warrant a useful assistant. It was however very interesting despite sitting behind a couple nerd know-it-all’s who chundered all the way through. The Stargate talk however was fantastic. Michael Shanks is a funny guy and he clearly enjoys these kinds of things. Jewel Staite was a bit more reserved but she got into it a bit more towards the end.

This was probably my last con for the year as I don’t fancy coming down to London for Collectormania in November. It is a bit of a trek and don’t fancy knocking around London in the bad weather. Though I might consider the train for Milton Keynes next year. As ever I do wish I had more money with me but they will put these things mid month rather than just after pay day.

Right lets kick this rant into gear. FanFic writers you have no talent. None at all. That’s right you are never going to be a famous writer. I know I have no writing talent which is why I right rants and stream of consciousness drivel on a Blog. And no I don’t care if you enjoy doing it, it bugs me. There is also a good chance you are immature due to either actually being just a kid or the fact you never grew up, like Peter Pan or Michael Jackson. The only people who like what you right are other talentless, immature FanFic writers. Some how people have got the idea that because professional writers will often write episodes of current TV series to tout for work that FanFic writers should do the same and post it all over the Internet. You know what professional writers also write? Shopping lists. Write those instead.

Fan fiction serves two basic purposes. One is to put the incredibly sad author in amongst the TV/Film/Anime/Book/Comic characters he/she loves as a Marty Stu/Mary Sue character so they can imagine all sorts of crazy adventures. My life is so empty I am going to write down my day dreams and publish them on the Internet. Lame. I mean I often imagine myself saving/destroying the world as a super hero/villain but you know I keep that to myself. Maybe I should write them down I might make some money out of them. Ha! See? That is how it starts! But I won’t make any money because I am terrible writer and no one cares about how Captain Kibble and his fearless laser penguins saved the world from the French. Not even a little bit.

The other purpose of FanFic is to express the serious sexual dysfunctions of the author. Most Fan Fiction descends into the author screwing one of the characters or some horrible Slash Fiction paring of two of the characters. For example:

• Kirk/Spock (Star Trek) – Kirk is not gay for Spock. No not even in the new film. They are heterosexual life mates. They have a Bromance that is all. Oh and Eww  by the way.
• Peter Petrelli/Clare Bennet (Heroes) – He is her uncle you sick fucks. Yes I know they were getting it on in real life but in real life he ain’t a blood relative.
• Angel/Spike (Buffyverse) – Gay vampires? How very fucking original of you. Bet you masturbate while reading Anne Rice ‘novels’ too.
• Sheldon/Penny (Big Bang Theory) – Oh just let it go will you. Penny is going to end up with Leonard just like Rachel ended up with Ross.
• Vampire Willow/Willow (Buffyverse) – Inter-dimensional lesbian incest. Or is it masturbation? Either way, just say no!
• Jack/Sawyer/Kate (Lost) – This is an odd one because it seems Lost writers seem to be writing fan fiction themselves.
• Harry Potter – Slash fiction about characters and actors who are underage. Classy.
• Megatron/Optimus Prime –

I mean the things I imagine doing to female characters in popular TV shows in the dark hours of the night, when I’m not blogging, really shouldn’t be the concern of other people. No really, I’d be in prison if they were. Yet some people feel the need to set such thoughts free into the world to pollute it. Rule 34 is not a challenge for pity’s sake. Also this shit will come back to haunt you. One day you will go for a job interview and the HR guy will have a copy of you story of how you helped Harry save the world and then had a three way with Hermione and Ron. And you know what? You won’t get that job. Nope, sorry not even now the movie cast is legal. Don’t believe me? Then meet Darryn Walker. Mr. Walker had to go to court to defend himself from charges of obscenity after writing a FanFic about raping and murdering the all girl pop group Girls Aloud. Now I’m sure, at one time or another, we have all imagining shagging and/or killing those 5 marginally talented young ladies but I’d say most of us kept it to ourselves and probably didn’t write it out and put it on our blog. Err… well not in any detail anyway. Of course Darryn (how stupid a name is that?) says it was satire which as we know is the defence all idiots use when they get caught out writing offensive crap. “It was just satire honest Ma Lud”. Forgetting that satire has to be you know satirical. Anyway, justice was served and free speech trumped reactionary twaddle and old Darryn was cleared of any legal wrong doing. It turns out writing shite is not against the law (phew). Sadly this did not come about before the UK tabloids outed him as a colossal douche nozzle and terrible writer to the entire world. Think Darryn will be getting a job any time soon? Nah, me neither.

It is interesting that FanFic is so closely linked to geeky pursuits. A lot of FanFic is genre related. The Buffyverse in particular seems to be in a critical condition. Someone more generous might say this is because geeks are just creative people. I’m not generous, not by a long shot, so I’m going to say it is because geeks also tend to be incredibly pathetic. Don’t try and deny it, I know my own. I’m up at 3am writing a rant for my blog. I know a sad, pathetic life with no purpose when I see one. And as I did actual research for this article I may never be the same again. I feel like pouring bleach in my ear to disinfect my brain and scrub my eyes with wire wool. I don’t think it would help though as what I have seen cannot be unseen. My brain is forever ruined. See how I sacrifice for you?

Remember Bros don’t let Bros write fan fiction.

Last Sunday I had a bit of a stomach bug that along with the hot weather, it later turned out, had left me more than a little dehydrated. Monday morning at about 4am I woke up with what I assumed was a migraine (I get them so not too much of a stretch) so I called in sick to work. During the day my stomach bug returned and I started to get kidney pain. Tuesday morning I got up and felt not so bad so I dossed up on imodium and gave into the pressure to return to work and went in, despite thinking I probably shouldn’t. Turns out I thought right and I made myself pretty damned ill. Tuesday probably finished off whatever water reserves my body was carrying.

Wednesday I felt like death. Like the worst hangover you have ever had (For those we know me: Remember the day after the Xmas party that one year? I felt 10x worse than that). When I went for a pee it was like passing treacle (that sounds fun, it wasn’t) and for some stupid reason I went into work even though I could barely stand up straight. I lasted all of 30 minutes before I went home. Driving while this ill is a really bad idea. Wednesday was just horrible. I lay in bed trying to keep cool and drinking water but I would keep flaking out and waking up feeling even worse. My heart would race and I felt like I had been kicked in the kidneys. I didn’t urinate all day despite drinking a lot of water. Food was a big no no, just the thought of eating made my nauseous. Thursday was much of the same but I went to see the Doctor and started to feel a bit better in the afternoon. Doc said I was quite dehydrated and need to take it easy and drink even more water than I was. I’ve been pretty much chain drinking water since. I’m like Brody Bruce with his little paper cup but with a 1/2 pint glass. He did a cursury examination just to make sure and I got him to refill my prescription for my Gout pills while I was there. Getting dehydrated is a good way to increase the amount of uric acid in your blood and trigger a Gout attack if you are predisposed. To quote Darth Vader “Do not want”!

Today and I am pretty much over the worst of it. I’m eating again and bathroom breaks are more frequent. 2-3 Times a day now. I still have a recurring headache and nausea and I feel a bit wasted but all in all not too bad. I’m still making sure to keep the water intake up as it is still pretty hot out. The moral of this story? When you’re ill stay the hell home and get better, don’t go to work as you will only make yourself even worse.

The silver lining is that I have now watched all four seasons of “How I met your Mother”. That and I got to write a blog post talking about my toilet habits. Awesome!

What Men mean by curves (and what curves they are)

What women mean by geek (No that's a Dalek)

It doesn’t help that films keep doing the geek/nerd/dork/loser get the stunning chick angle either as the more gullible of my brethren are beginning to believe that it too. Look guys it never happens, ever. American Pie, Knocked Up, Fanboys, Superbad, Wargames, Weird Science, Hackers, Spider-man and Kevin Smith movies (especially Kevin Smith movies) are all fucking lying to you. The only way you get girls like in those films is if you have Bill Gates’ bank balance or use Rohypnol. Both of which involve breaking the law.

Just a quick definition as there is often some confusion between what is a geek and what is a nerd. To be honest they are pretty much the same thing really and can be used interchangeably. Though Geeks tend to end up as Computer Scientists and Nerds as Theoretical Physicists. Both have the same dubious social skills, optional personal hygiene and tendency to become obsessed with things of a technical/scientific nature. Also geeks bite the heads off chickens.

So where did the idea that nerds are cool come from? Firstly, Bill Gates. You see Billy Boy has a lot of clout and a lot of cash. With power and money comes influence on what is considered cool. Sadly geeks are not cool by any stretch of the imagination so the popular idea of the cool geek is filled by cool people who get dressed up like nerds.  Incidentally if you need to spot a real geek ask them which is best Star Trek or Star Wars. If the answer is only two words they aren’t a geek or a nerd. Secondly geek culture is becoming mainstream. People go to see Superhero and Science Fiction films now that would never have done so prior to 1999. People watch the likes of Lost and Battlestar Galactica and enjoy them. Our shit is now popular. It is just that only the real geeks actually take the time formulate theories about the temporal displacement in Lost and rant about the stupidity of angels in Battlestar Galactica. The mainstream has co-opted our culture but it doesn’t obsess over it like we do. Thirdly it is cool to say you dig geeks. Women like to say it for the same reason men lie about not finding skinny 18 year old girls totally hot. Because they think it makes them seem deep. Actions however speak louder than words so women, being equally as shallow as men, still go sleep with Cro-Magnon man.

What about geek girls I here you feminists cry! Actually I don’t because any feminist reading this deeply chauvinistic rant had a myocardial infarction towards the end of the 2nd paragraph. Well they look almost exactly like geek guys but with internal genitals. That is why there are so few of us. Like Dwarves (the fantasy kind not midgets) identifying the females is just so difficult. Either that or we end up raising the kids of normals after marrying a psychologically damaged woman who already has crotch fruit from her failed marriage to some mouth-breather with a below median IQ and a passion for football (that sentence ran on a bit). Like a cuckoo in reverse.

Horribly bitter I may be (I never did get over High School) but it doesn’t stop my rant from being bang on the money. If geeks really were cool and what all women wanted then Firefly would be in its 9th season, Richard Dawkins would be Prime Minister, I’d be dating Summer Glau and we would all have flying cars. None of these things are true so by my willfully faulty logic I declare Geek Chic to be a damned dirty lie. So there!

* No to be confused with the ‘Greek Sheep myth’ which is a completely different thing altogether.