First off I have got to knock seeing films in 3D on the head. The damned things give me such a freaking headache. My brain just doesn’t do optical illusions. I guess that explains why I never got the hang of Magic Eye pictures. But I digress, as per usual. I haven’t even got a paragraph into my review and I am already rambling off on a tangent. Did you miss me while I was gone?

This film has no shame and that is where it strength lies. It gives us exactly what we expect and isn’t ashamed of it. What do we want from this kind of film? Lots of people dying horribly gruesome and bloody deaths for our amusement, interspersed with plenty of tits and fanny. I use fanny in the the British sense by the way. Its not the usual hidden-behind-a-merkin-to-save the-actresses-blushes fanny either, shaved don’t ya know. Porn stars just don’t give a damn, obviously. An extended all girl nude synchronised swimming scene that borders on the surreal being the culmination of this films utter disregard for the rule about pointless nudity. It really does harken back to the 70s in that regard. You get to see Kelly Brook in the nude (its the only way she can get parts in films after all). Which is nice because I consider Miss Brook to be the personification of female physical perfection. Even if Playboy feel her breasts need reducing. I have no idea what they were thinking but comparing the Playboy picks to the Arena ones and they have done a real virtual hatchet job on her boobs. The Piranha were far kinder. See how I got that tangent back on topic?

This is a seriously bloody film. I mean really gruesome but its comic book gruesome. People not only get graphically eaten by the titular (hur hur) beasties but in the big scene that makes up most of the trailer people die in many many horrible ways. Serves themselves right for being attractive and having fun. Some of deaths I am pretty sure aren’t very plausible. My favourite being the poor gal getting sliced in two by a snapping steel cable. Anyway the vast majority of the films budget has gone on make up and other physical effects shots. All the chewed bodies and limbs look disturbingly realistic and the most have spent a small fortune on red dye. Naturally the the CGI budget makes up the next big chunk of the money. The script was clearly way down the priority list but they have done a decent job of it. It is genuinely funny and has its tongue firmly in cheek.

Despite having a cast of big names fallen on hard times the acting isn’t anything to write home about. Most real actors in the film phone in the few scenes they get, no doubt they are just glad for the pay cheque. Accept, of course, Jerry O’Connell who really hams it up. His best performance since Scream 2 I don’t doubt, at least he doesn’t sing. The climax of his performance is him lying half eaten on the deck of a boat howling the fantastic line “They took my penis”.  The plot is stolen from Jaws and watered down just like the 1978 original. The film has so much parody that it almost feels like a spoof at times. Any film that starts with Richard Dreyfuss sitting on a boat singing ‘Show me the way to go home’ has some moxy. It also has Christopher Lloyd doing his mad scientist bit. The film ends with the best bit of genre blindness from a character I have seen in years.

The film is a 3D conversation as it was filmed in 2D. The conversion is frankly shit which is probably what gave me the headaches. Landscapes frequently have distant objects not properly distanced and some times heads feel weird in close up shots. According to wikipedia the 3D conversion process has been well received. This may be the case all the other 3D films I have seen have been produced with 3D in mind and not converted. I still think they did a poor job. Still 3D boobies and it does get props for having the best use of 3D when a character vomits on to the camera.

I really enjoyed the film. Sad that I have sunk that low. Its not going to win awards or set the world on fire and like the original it re-imagines it is destined to late night TV slots in the future. It is entertaining, funny and has boobs in it. It made the sparsely populated theatre I was in react frequently. People where laughing, jumping and being grossed out at all the right times. Though the most frequent sound was women tutting and snorting every time a attractive young woman got her clothes off. This film is dying for a drinking game for the DVD release. Piranha is the kind of film that ‘Snakes on a Plane’ would of been if the the people making that film had any balls.

I have been reading other reviews of Piranha 3D and they make me chuckle. As ever “The Critics” (professional and wannabe amateurs) just don’t get films like this. To complain about the lack of character development in a film that has Ving Rhames using a boat motor to chop up a shoal of prehistoric piranha seems somewhat ridiculous. But then some of these same reviewers also think Inception is a complex and deep thriller rather than just a rather straightforward film with some cool action sequences and a purposely ambiguous ending.  You know what? I have a separate rant on that subject brewing in the depths of my mind.

I’ll give it 4/5. It would have got 3/5 but Kelly Brook in the nude is worth a point. A guilty pleasure movie if ever there was one. Just enjoy rather than analyse it.

The plot is pretty simple. Teenager wonders what it would be like to be a superhero and why nobody has done it before. He decides to give it a go and finds out that it is a quick way to get killed. His first outing as a superhero leaves him with a skeleton reinforced with lots of titanium and duff nervous system. Thus giving his only true superhero ability. Kick-Ass can take a licking and keep on ticking. Which is lucky as he can’t fight worth a damn. As he progresses with his career he meets up with the real deal in the form of Big Daddy and Hit Girl and decides to quit. Treachery rears its ugly head and he and his allies face off against the villain. Naturally he learns what it really means to be a superhero. Most everyone who deserves it gets a happy(ish) ending and the good guys still win even if they have to earn it. It is after all a Superhero film.

Kick-Ass is ably portrayed by Aaron Johnson but it is Chloe Moretz’s Hit Girl that steals the show. She is just fantastic and like the comic the story is as much about her as it is Kick-Ass. Though even Hit Girl is almost outdone by Nicholas Cage’s Adam West inspired Big Daddy. Say what you want about Cage’s acting but I defy you to watch this film and not think of him as an acting god afterwards.  The film diverges from the comic quite a bit but to be honest mostly because the changes play better on the screen. The film is sadly toned down a lot so don’t expect car batteries attached to testicles in this film. If you are not familiar with the comic and have just seen the film you are wondering how fucked up the comic is. The answer is very. The only changes that bothered me is the lack of twist in Big Daddy’s origin story and the teen friendly hero gets the girl subplot. The comic did these things better. Christopher Mintz-Plasse is the big let down of the film and I am beginning to suspect McLovin was a fluke. He feels like a 20 odd year old who looks like a 30 year old playing a teenager, which he is. Red Mist’s car is awesome though.

A couple of the special effects shots betray the low-budget origins of the film but the almost complete lack of CGI and wire-work in the action sequences leaves the film feeling very ‘real’. I’m not sure real is the right word. Perhaps ‘not super’ is better. You will spend a lot of time playing spot the superhero film scene as Kick-Ass riffs on such films as X-Men and Spider-man. Sometimes it plays the Superhero tropes straight and sometimes it subverts them. The 3D comic book version of Big Daddy and Hit Girl’s origin story is frankly awesome as is the night vision FPS scene.

On a side note the films soundtrack, with a couple of notable exceptions is very good. There seems to be a general trend in better music in films these days. Though I suspect this is simply because my generation are the ones making films now so they tend to consider the same things as me as being good.

The film does what it sets out to do. Which is playfully deconstruct the superhero comic and give you a fun but violent journey along the way. It manages to be do this without the cynicism of a film like Watchmen and without the depth too. It also manages to be genuinely funny without being an out and out comedy. It honours the medium it is paying tribute but at the same time making playful fun of it. Its mad, bad and completely over the top. Not quite as insane as the comic it is based on but still there hasn’t been anything like it before in the cinema. If there has I haven’t seen it. As much as they have pushed the censors by having a 12 year old actress say ‘cunt’ and ‘fuck’ a lot they have toned down the violence and blood considerably. Though I am inclined to put this down to being partially about not destroying the illusion of reality to early in the film.  Lets just say I’m feeling generous because I loved the film.

I give it 4 out 5 and hope for an unrated director’s cut on DVD.

5. X-Men 2

This is the franchise that really kicked off the modern Superhero film, building on the good will created by Blade. X-Men was a good film in its own right but it was a bit self-conscious at times and oddly goofy at others. It was also saddled with introducing many characters and explaining powers and origins. X-Men 2 was where the franchise found its feet and unfortunately thanks to the almost dire X-Men 3 and mediocre Wolverine films it was also where it peaked. It is a nicely balanced film. Superheroics, drama, new characters, better wigs and focusing on the existing characters better all rise it above X-Men.  And thanks to not being saddled with so many introductions there is more plot available for the film. More importantly this is the film we really got to see the Wolverine in action.

4. Spider-man 2

Spider-man was a good film despite suffering from Superhero origin syndrome. If there was one Marvel character that could have had his origin easily glossed over it is Spidey. The sequel improved everything laid down by the first. Better plot, better characters, better villain, better dialogue, better action sequences and much improved CGI. Yet again this was also the peak of the franchise as Spider-man 3 was such a let down  that everyone involved swore off it and Sony has had no choice but to reboot the franchise and take it back to its roots. It helps that the film was really ‘my Spider-man’. I grew up reading the comics of the young adult Peter Parker rather than the teenage one so this fits in better with my idea of how Spider-man should be. What? This is my list so the reasons the films get on it don’t have to apply to you too.

3. Watchmen (Ultimate Edition)

The Ultimate Edition DVD is what slides this into the top 5 otherwise this would be the honourable mention. The extra footage and the inclusion of the Pirate comic as a cartoon really makes the film complete. I consider this film both entertainment and a work of art just like the comic book and you never read this but I prefer the film’s ending over the comic’s. Synder did the impossible with this film and made probably the best adaptation of Watchmen that was possible and even tweaked it to make it more relevant to a modern audience. I can fault it on very little. The soundtrack alone is the best Superhero film soundtrack ever and the opening sequence is sublime. Despite the length I never feel like the film is dragging or trying to do too much. Horribly violent yet never mindlessly so and all the violence in lovely slow motion instead of that modern trend of shakey cam and quick cuts like the Bourne films.

2. The Dark Knight

Batman Begins was good, really good, probably the best first film of a Superhero franchise when it came out. Dark and broody without the peculiarity of Tim Burton and with a Batman who can keep up with the Villain in the acting stakes. The Dark Knight not only went its own way with its naming convention it also took everything write with Batman Begins and made it better. Nobody thought Heath Ledger would be able to match Jack Nicholson’s evil funny uncle portrayal of the Joker but he match it and then some. Ledger’s Joker was phenomenal. Yet he managed to do it in away that he didn’t over shadow the films protagonist. Which might have more to do with the differences between Bale and Keaton to be honest. The film is so good it is possible to ignore Bale’s almost comedic Batman voice.

1. Iron Man

This as it stands is the ultimate Superhero film. It gets everything right. It manages to incorporate the colour and spectacle of a Superhero without dragging the film to far away from reality. Despite being an origin film it never seems to get bogged down. Possibly because it is not an origin we have seen 100s of times before like say Superman’s. It manages to use special effects in just the right amount to serve the film without dominating it. Even with all the CGI and action the thing that stands out more than the armour is the man in it. Downey was born to play Tony Stark and thanks to the lack of a complete script he is allowed to really make the character his. The dialog feels fresh and real because so much of it is an either ad-lib or was written with the author. And you know what else it is an enjoyable film with a delightfully roguish hero you can’t help but love. If the pattern of the 2nd film in a comic book franchise being the best continues then Iron Man 2 should be a stonker.

Honourable Mention: Daredevil – The Directors Cut

A lot of people dislike this film and the theatrical cut has a lot to be disliked, not least of which is Ben Affleck’s acting while being Matt Murdock. As Daredevil he manages to Batman it up just right but as Murdock he is unconvincing and his hair looks stupid. So why is this an honourable mention? Well partly because the Directors cut pretty much fixes most of the complaints you could have with the film that come down to Affleck’s wonky acting. The fact that Murdock is a broken man, both physically and psychologically and that really comes across in the film. He is covered in scars, coming apart and has to dose up on pain killers just to function. Mentally he is fried and long ago crossed that line into being Daredevil with Lawyer being his mask. The Director’s cut fixes the balance and frankly ads some plot. However it is the fact that Daredevil pilfers imagery from the comics like you wouldn’t believe that makes me like it so much. Few comic book films have dared draw from the comics in this way as much as Daredevil does. It is packed full of scenes from the very first to the very last shots that you can find in the comic books. I know I have those comic books and I am a comic fan before movie fan, sorry. I like that enough to bump ‘Batman Begins’ out of the honourable mention slot. Still it would have been better if they had just filmed Frank Miller’s ‘The Man Without Fear’.

Conclusions

It seems to me that is telling the origin story that often drags Superhero comics down. The problem is that Superhero origin stories are vitally important to the character but also tend to be quiet short. Long enough to drag down the quality of film but not long enough to make a whole film out of. You can either skirt over it as much as possible like Daredevil or expand it and make it the entire plot like Iron Man or Batman Begins.

Nice too see Stark building up his collection of suits. I especially love the suitcase armour and how it doesn’t suddenly become his normal armour but actually looks like it folds out.

The who Avatar hype machine is beyond insane. When it was people claiming how awesome it would be because James Cameron was Directing it was silly. When critics and other in the industry started buying into the hype it was surprising. When reviews started saying how awesome it was despite critics usually flaying alive any film with such a heavy focus on special effects over plot it was stupid. When people got abused by Avatards on internet forums for saying they enjoyed it but it wasn’t ‘all that’ it was pathetic fanboyism. When Avatar’s initially didn’t blow the box office away and we got headlines like “Avatar almost breaks records” it was ridiculous. And when people started naming their kids Pandora (presumably they will have a stalker named Adrian when they get older) and getting depressed because they couldn’t live in the CGI world Avatar had created it was simply sad. Now I am beginning to think money is involved.

Avatar is in the race for the Academy Award for Best Picture. Yes it should be a sure thing for just about every technical award going but best picture? Come on! I like Avatar, it is an amazing film to look at and it is entertaining in a superficial way but that in no way means it deserves to be recognised in this fashion. I’m no movie critic, I only watch films that I expect to enjoy. That is my prime reason for watching films but it does help when they are well written, acted and directed. However I am under no illusion that some of the films I enjoy are not great works of art and I don’t expect them to be recognised as such. Avatar is no great work of cinematic art. It isn’t the best Science Fiction film of the last year. It wasn’t even the best film for its month of release. How can it possibly be recognised as Best Picture? The upside of course is that should it win a high profile award then the Academy might get over its prejudice against genre films.

My theory is that this is about mass rationalisation. So many people have gone along with the hype and hysteria that the whole industry now feels Avatar needs a worthy accolade to justify said hype and hysteria. Technical awards and viewer voted awards are a given and expected so it has to be given an award of note. Otherwise too many people who pride themselves as being cinema connoisseurs will be outed as little more than simpletons impressed by anything shiny or whatever is cool.

Still it wouldn’t be the first time James Cameron got himself a bag load of Oscars for a tedious love story wrapped up in fancy special effects.

And here is everybody’s favourite Star Wars Prequel reviewer to highlight the good and the bad of Avatar:

Part 1:

Part 2

Not really! It was created by some cad called Matt Bateman. Oddly close to the truth though, if you ask me. And before anyone complains that no work of fiction is ever truly original I’d like to point out there is retelling a story and then there is just repeating a story.

Lets start off with the positive stuff shall we. The CGI is phenomenal and the film is visually beautiful. It is virtually impossible to spot where the CGI ends and the real life actors begin, if not for the fantastical alien creatures anyway. Sometimes I became convinced some of the live action was actually CGI, weird. The plot is straight forward but generally well executed and the characters behave in realistically and consistently. The acting ranges from pretty good to adequate. Worthington’s CGI Avatar has twice the emotional range as its real life counterpart. Weaver is as ever spot on despite being in the film mostly for exposition. The characters resonate well and they are easy to identify with, even if you can’t quite accept Phoebe’s half-brother being in charge of a planetary scale mining operation. The Na’vi are likable and well fleshed out alien species despite looking like shaved Thundercats. The action sequences are all fantastic but this should go without saying as they are all done in the fantastic CGI.

Now the bad. Despite being solidly done the plot is clinched to high heaven. This same film has been made so many times it isn’t even funny. It has also been done better. This was particularly hammered home by the fact the coming attractions included a trailer for a CGI animated film with a virtually identical plot. The dialog regularly wanders way too close to George Lucas and Chris Claremont territory for my liking. At times it skips foreshadowing and goes straight to flat out telegraphing what is going to happen next. As soon as the mention ***ing the big **** thing you know the protagonist will ending up doing it. The film isn’t shy on delivering its morality like Hacksaw Jim Duggan either .i.e with a 2×4. The anti-war and pro-environment messages are so obvious they are more than a little bit preachy. At times the who noble savage cliche threatens to turn the film into an anthropological (Whats the alien equivalent? Anyone?) mockumentary. Which brings me to the films biggest failing, the middle of the film drags badly. I actually got bored half way into the film.

It is a decent enough film but other than setting the standard for CGI it isn’t the cinema revolution people are claiming it is. I’d give it 7/10. It was enjoyable enough but simply doesn’t live up to the hype nor its budget. The film is best seen in the nausea inducing 3D unless you wear spectacles with large frames. No doubt it is even better on an iMax screen. I’ll get it on DVD but I have no pressing need to go see it at the cinema again.

Films

The buy out will probably initially be a boon for Marvel’s already successful film franchises. They will have access to Disney’s massive clout when it comes time to market the films and get them out there. For films currently being filmed, produced and those currently in pre-production will probably benefit and remain largely free from Disney interference. In the longer term I fear Disney will simply not be able to resist sticking their oar in. Marvel decided to start producing its own films because they wanted to get their properties out there take most of the money and make the films they wanted without the Hollywood executive interference that has managed to all but ruin the X-Men and Spider-man franchises. I’m sure at first Disney will,  as promised, keep their nose out but eventually a Disney executive will see something he doesn’t like or come up with a way to make Marvel films ‘even better’ and Marvel’s films will end up being dictated by people who are not Marvel. Don’t expect any of the post Avengers films to be any better than ‘The Last Stand’ or ‘Ghost Rider’.

The fanboys are positively drooling at the prospect of a Pixar/Marvel animated film. They have already had the possibility of an Antman Pixar film shot from under them but this hasn’t stopped them frothing at the mouth like Cujo. It isn’t going to happen at least not for a very long time. There is no market for a full 3D superhero film. Pretty much every suggested 3D superhero film that was posited after the success of ‘The Incredibles’ has been met with either crickets or hostility, including JLA and Avengers films. There is no real market there and nobody at Pixar is jumping up and down at the prospect of getting access to the Marvel catalogue. So sit down and use a tissue to wipe the spittle from around your mouth.

TV

Marvel hasn’t had a decent animated series since the success of Spider-man, Hulk and the X-Men in the 90s. These only being slightly better than the 80s cartoons that were very successful. All of the cartoons since have been plagued with piss-poor modernisation and pathetic attempts to be cool and hip. Even the animated DVD/TV films based on the Ultimate universe have been ropey. The 90s cartoons managed to be more true to their source material even while hampered with by higher ups who forbade death, injury, drugs and sex even being mentioned let alone featured.  Marvel has never had a successful live action TV show in the nature of say ‘Smallville’. Which is amusing as ‘Smallville’ is a Spidermanisation (I like that made up word) of the Superman mythos. This is where I could see Disney making most use of Marvel’s properties and where Marvel could benefit the most. They have a TV network and everything in place to make Marvel TV shows, animated or otherwise. And now that special effects are so much cheaper make a live action serial out of a comic should be a no brainer. I always the serialised nature of comics was a better fit for TV than Film anyway. Still I’m not sure if any of this will happen.

Comics

The comics are screwed. The comics don’t make massive profits as it is and frankly the market is being propped up by the success of the films. The target audience is aging and declining while new younger readers are just not at the levels they once were. Kids today have many more things to occupy their time and to be honest comics are way to expensive for what they are. I usually pay between £2 and £3 for a comic these days and that is a whole lot for 30 minutes entertainment. Thus any post merger rationalisation will take place here. And it will happen. I doubt their has been a single case of one company buying another were the purchased company hasn’t seen considerable cuts. Disney have purchased Marvel for their character portfolio. There hasn’t been a decent new Marvel character in years (possibly decades) so Disney have nothing to fear by slowly winding down the comics division. In addition Disney will fall from a great height upon any story line that potentially jeopardises any of the other media interests. Things like Civil War and the death of Captain America would probably not have occurred under Disney. Some might argue that is a good thing but they are the kinds of comic fans that like comics to remain the same year on year anyway. Those kinds of fans will probably be happy with Marvel under DC. Though if DC can promise that we will never have another ‘One More Day’ I’ll welcome them with open arms no matter how much they interfere.

Final Thoughts

Disney has been quick to say they will leave Marvel alone as they don’t want to interfere with something doing well and initially this will be the case but in the long run Disney will milk Marvel dry like the entertainment industry vampire they are. Many people have remarked that Marvel will be OK because Disney didn’t ruin in Pixar. Sadly Marvel simply do not have the same clout or unique selling point that has protected Pixar from overt interference. In Pixar’s case they were out Disneying them and Disney had not choice but to buy them in and then leave them alone. Disney is happy to spend most of its time milking its own properties in the direct to DVD market. This is not true of Marvel. Marvel have not been purchased because they do something better than everyone else but simply as a cache of ready to exploit entertainment properties.

Naturally all the higher-ups at Marvel are stating this is a wonderful thing. Sorry but they are bound to say this as their jobs almost certainly depend on it so I think we can pretty much dismiss their comments as spinning the company web line. Stan Lee in particular is all for it but he has been taking Disney’s shilling for a long time so this too is to be expected. There seems to be a split between the fans of the comics and the fans of the films over whether this is a good thing. The comic fans are mostly against the idea as they believe the comics will likely get marginalised while the other media fans are more positive about the buyout. Basically the comic fans are on Cap’s side and the other are with Iron Man. However all this is only the opinion of a washed up old Web Developer so feel free to treat it with disdain if you will. But I will say ‘I told you so’ if I turn out to be right, over and over again. Honestly I’ll be hell to live with.

Interestingly Warner have announced ’DC Entertainment’ this week which is supposedly in answer to Marvel’s similar and successful entertainment division. Naturally this has been in development for two years and has in no way been rushed into existence to try and get some reflected news coverage after the Disney Marvel deal. Nope not at all. In addition to this the DC comics fans have not been entirely happy since Warner bought up DC and have accused it of meddling in the comics. But Disney won’t do that to Marvel, oh no.

Of course those people referencing 1984 and ‘Big Brother’ would know all this if they had watched a film version of it or even read the bloody book. But most of them haven’t. Their knowledge of ‘Big Brother’ and ‘Room 101′ comes purely from pop culture osmosis. Though I guess I should credit the ones who actually now the source of the TV shows name with some level of general knowledge.

What is worse is that most people run around Chicken Licken screaming ‘Big Brother! 1984!’ after reading some supposed new government policy in a newspaper like the Daily Mail or Daily Express. If you actually take the time to investigate the story one of two things turn out to be true. 1) The newspaper flat out made it up or 2) It was suggested in passing by a non-governmental think tank or minor civil servant. So basically it was never going to happen in the first place. You got suckered by the gutter press into doing what makes sell more papers. There is nothing going at the moment that puts us anywhere near the slippery slope that would lead to a 1984 like situation. CCTV is not Big Brother. Until government vans come to your house to install a CCTV camera in your front room you can’t claim 1984. And despite what The Daily Mail and the like would have you believe this is never going to happen, ever. If nothing else their isn’t a large enough workforce to watch 25 million cameras or enough hard drives available to store all the footage. Hell a high ranking MET police offer has all but declared CCTV mostly useless as they don’t have the man power to make proper use of the CCTV cameras they already have. So Big Brother is not watching, he hasn’t the time.

On a side note if photographers can argue they can take pictures of whomever they wish in a public place because you should have no expectation of privacy in public then so can the government with CCTV. Likewise the government shouldn’t be doing it damnedest to criminalise photographers when it wants to use CCTV as a crime prevention tool. However that is another issue all together.

We are not on the verge of 1984 at all and the British government is not using it as an instruction manual. Have any of your friends/family gone missing for an extended period of time and then returned behaving out of sorts and saying how wonderful Gordon Brown is? No of course not. And if they have it probably has more to do with recreational drug use than Big Brother. Stop the scare mongering as it prevents proper rational discussion when the government does appear to overstep its boundaries. It makes it easy to dismiss objectors of some of their real hair-brained and illegal schemes as paranoid wackos who don’t really know what they are talking about. If anything the worlds of ‘V for Vendetta’ and ‘Brazil’ are far more likely but I guess they just don’t have the cultural clout.

And stop using term ‘Nanny State’ because you can no longer go up to people in pubs and blow foul smelling smoke and carcinogens into their faces. It makes you sound like a Daily Mail reader and we all know the only humane thing to do to them is euthanasia.

Twilight's Emo Cast

I’ve avoided watching this film because what I have heard about it and have indeed perpetuated some of the jokes about it. I thought it only fair that I watch it before I continue to pass judgment on it.

Oh my god Twilight is a terrible fucking film. I can’t even watch it all. I’ve managed 1 hour of it and I can stand no more. There is no plot, the characters are 2 dimensional and corny and the dialogue is so bad George Lucas would have been embarrassed to write it. Though I can understand why it gets teenage girls wet in the knickers. Teenage girls are possibly the only people who could watch Twilight without wanting to beat someones head in. Edward is oh so dark, dangerous and mysterious that he is every teenage girls juvenile fantasy come to life. Yet he manages to do it without an iota of character, depth or likability. He should have stayed dead in Harry Potter if you ask me. Imagine they took the least interesting vampire that Buffy staked and gave him his own film.

The film is such a dreary affair. Very little happens and it is all filmed like it took place over a wet weekend in the Lake District. It mirrors the overall dullness of the film. I guess it is supposed to be atmospheric. It is mopey, immature and frankly uninteresting. Edward and whatever her name is ( I really don’t care at this point) are professing their eternal love after knowing each other  few weeks. Also Edward is 100s of years old yet he spends his eternal life being a teenager in high school over and over again. Sad. I have the rest of the film playing in the background while I type this (I can’t watch anymore seriously) and what I am hearing makes me cringe. If I had a soul it would be dying a little for every minute of this film that I experience. I’d rather watch a Quentin Tarantino film and that is saying something.

And the sparkling? Give me a break! Vampire’s avoid the sun because it makes them shiny and people would notice they are different? They don’t die, explode or even sizzle. Vampires here can survive on animal blood and can resist eating vapid teenagers if they love them. Thus in Twilight vampirism comes with zero problems other than being insanely emo. All they have to do is live somewhere that is overcast a lot and Bob’s your mother’s brother. Also it takes a single inquisitive teenager with a book to uncover the secret that the Vampires have concealed from the town for centuries. Wow that town is populated by real idiots.

This film is little more than a teenage girls masturbatory fantasy and not worth watching, unless you’re a masturbating teenage girl obviously. Seriously skip it. Their are plenty of good vampire films around watch one of those instead. What’s worse is that this film is being lumped in with genuine geeky pursuits so things like Comic Con are being over run with hormonal teenagers getting in the way of us geeks who are interested in things that matter like Iron Man 2. Wait! What am I moaning about? Surely that is a good thing.

Luckily I’ve been drinking so I’m sure I’ll recover. After a nap and a couple more pints I’ll be right as rain.